Unworthy

UNWORTHY

(I wasn't sure what to put for the GIF in this post, so here is one of Ron Swanson dancing. You're welcome).

I suppose that this blog post's tone will be a bit more serious than the rest. Lately, I have frequently been thinking about my situation in life, and found myself worrying about the future. This is not uncommon in people my age, and especially not for myself, since being worrisome has always been one of my main attributes. The future is uncertain, and I have a hard time dealing with change. I also have a difficult time making things happen. Even if I truly want to accomplish someone, I typically need a push from friends and family to get started on the project.

I could be a lot worse, and have no motivation to do anything at all, but it's still pretty bad. Especially when there are so many awesome adventures in life that I'd like to attempt but so little time. Ultimately, I believe my hesitance to try something new is due to my fear of failure. Instead of getting past the fear, however, like a normal human being, I let it hinder my life to an extreme level. I am getting slightly better with this, though, and I am trying to venture out of my comfort zone so I can become the woman that I want to be.

Just recently, I have been comparing myself a lot to those around me. I know, I know, 'Comparison is the thief of joy.' That is very true and I try not to look at other people's talents, wishing that they were mine. That is unbiblical, terrible for my self-esteem and does not do anything to help my friendships with people. Yet, at times, it gives me inspiration on how I would like my life to turn out, which is quite nice. And being friends with these awesome people gives me new opportunities to take in order to change my life. (That is, if I don't let my fear get the better of me).

Yet, the comparing I've been doing has helped me realize something very important. Though I'm trying to take a break from relationships and stop pursuing guys (since they should really be pursuing me), I can't help but still admire some of the more awesome gentlemen in my life. They certainly deserve the admiration, but I'm not about to act on my feelings. 'Why not?' You may ask. 'If you never try, you'll never know,' the world tells me. While I believe that, whole heartedly, I am not about to fall back into my crazy ways with relationships. It hasn't worked for me in the past, so why on Earth would it work now? In all honesty, I don't even believe that I am worthy of this person, anyhow.

Maybe worthy isn't the right word for this situation. I'm not quite sure. To me, it's easy to see that I don't seem to fit in with him and we are different in many ways. This may or may not be true, due to the fact that I don't really know him too well and have yet to gather evidence that backs it up. For example, in the time that I've known him, he acts like an extremely smart individual... and I'm intelligent as well, but I do not feel as if my knowledge is adequately matched with his. Since I have no clue as to what his actual level of intelligence is, and have never brought it up during a conversation, I have no idea whether or not my assumptions are correct.

Now don't get me wrong. The characteristics that I've found in him are most likely all accounted for. He's smart, kind and somewhat shy with people that he doesn't know. Though there is no denying these facts are apparent on a surface level, I'm pretty sure that I'm taking his positive qualities and exaggerating them to a level that is embarrassing. I've created an uncomfortably high pedestal for this poor guy, and it's only a matter of time before the truth about him comes out. If I don't stop this kind of behavior quick, his image is bound to fall from the top of the mountain of perfection and make things pretty awkward between us. (Not that I believe he's going to turn out to be a terrible guy with all kinds of inexusable flaws buuut... you get what I mean, hopefully).

While it is fine to admire someone, I just can't seem to calm myself down. I begin to overlook  the imperfections of the guy I like, and create unreachable standards for them. Going with the flow and truly accepting someone for who they are is very difficult for me when I start to daydream. Perhaps it's the drama queen within me trying to rule my life? Or maybe my perception of romance and love has been so distorted by Hollywood and this world, that I am not able to view any relationship in a healthy way. I have no idea how to change. I have no idea what to do in this situation. To be honest, I'm worried that my worrying will ruin everything. (Doesn't that sound enjoyable?)

My friendship with this guy is definitely the number one most important thing at this point. I could care less if it were to go anything beyond that. Though that would be absolutely wonderful and I would be a very lucky girl if it happened, I do believe that I have to mature a lot before it can happen. So, for now, I'm trying to take an approach I've never used before. I'm going to let things happen on their own. I'm going to do my best to just focus on a friendship, get to know him and stop myself from daydreaming about what could be. Every time I do that, I get into trouble. I set myself up for heartbreak when I take things to the fantasy world.

You would think that my current plan of action would be very easy to follow. In fact, you would say that it's the normal way of going about one's business in the relationship world. I do believe that you are right in saying that... however, you are talking to a crazy twenty year old woman here. One who is loud, absolutely awkward and wishes her life was a musical. Everything that I do is dramatic, though I'm trying to be a bit more normal in that respect. For me, I have some bad habits that I have to kill before I can even attempt to be normal in life. Yay..... I'm so excited. :P

I have to stop pursuing guys because ultimately, they never like me as much as I like them. I have to start focusing on the many amazing things that are important in my life. God, my family, friends and of course, music (among other fun things), are just some of those items in life that I want to center my life around instead of guys I happen to like a little bit. I also need to stop worrying. I worry WAY too much and that produces a lot of anxiety, which I dislike. It'll be a long process, but I'm ready. I'm content with being single. I'm content with admiring from afar and being a friend. I'm content with waiting for God's plans for me.

At least, right now I'm content. There will be days when I am impatient, cranky and just plain stupid. I am blessed, though, despite those hard times that I know are bound to come. God has allowed me good relationships with the greatest people that surrounding me already. They will be there to give me guidance, comfort and love. And for that, I am truly thankful. :)