Independent

I'M A STRONG INDEPENDENT BLACK WOMAN WHO DON'T NEED NO MAN

Okay... so I may not exactly be a black woman, but technicalities hurt people, alright? I can still dream of possessing such sass that makes those around me fearful of questioning my authority. One day, I will get to that level and it will be glorious. But that, my friends, is another post for a different day. Today, I feel like rambling on and on about a crazy little thing called love. I wouldn't be a proper female if I didn't focus at least half of my blog posts on this extremely important matter. I've been severely lacking in posts about the love department and I believe many of you would want me to make up for it. So, without any further ado, here we go...

Boys are confusing. Sure, sure, they say that women are confusing and though that may be true, I'd like to think that I'm very straightforward with my feelings. I may be shy at times, but usually, I let my feelings be known. If I don't like someone, I try to be as nice as I can and let them off easy. I try not to flirt with boys I don't like... although sometimes my kindness confuses them, and they start to believe that I have a crush on them. When I like a guy, it usually doesn't take long for me to either, A) Be a crazy girl, freak them out by talking about how I like them to other people and then we are no longer friends. Or B) Tell them I like them, face to face, and find myself rejected but we still remain friends. Or in some rare cases, C) Tell them I like them, the boy tries to ignore the situation, then tells me that I could do better and that he doesn't want to ruin our friendship and then no longer talks to me again after he believes things have become "awkward". The latter is a very rough situation, for sure...

Very rarely do my adventures in life turn out how I want them to when it comes to relationships. I have a few reasons as to why that may be the case. Although this isn't my typical "Reasons Why" post, I will tell you about all of the reasons why I think it happens, anyway. However, that won't be the end of this post. This isn't some 'Ooooh, poor me. Something's wrong with me and I can't fix it. Pity me' post. This is an empowerment post, despite all of the issues I may or may not have.

I am a very kind person, or so I have been told. I like to bring sunshine to people's days, especially for those who are my closest friends. Yet, some people view my positivity as a bit eccentric. I must admit, I am a bit over-excited and peppy when I try to cheer people up. (Or when I'm around someone I truly admire). It's not too difficult to see how my attitude can be a bit over the top, at times. My voice is shrill, I have a hard time keeping quiet and it's also difficult for me to keep a cap on my excitement. I'm like a bottle of Coke when the carbonation has been building up after a good long shake. Once you open that sucker up and the stream of soda erupts out of the bottle, there is no use in stopping it. You can't stop it. 

As I have mentioned before, I tend to scare guys off by talking about how much I like them. Unfortunately, I love to talk and when I get excited about something, I enjoy to bring it into the conversation again and again and again.... I'm sure that the guys who are the center of attention aren't the only ones who get freaked out by it. This kind of behavior makes me look obsessed. And maybe I am. I have only had one relationship that was not overly depressing and stupid. Even then, it was difficult because I never saw him, due to the fact that he was from my home town in Elko. So, whenever I have a new crush, I am very hopeful and I talk to my friends about it. And let's face it, I have a lot of friends... so it's not too tough for the news to get out that I like someone. I know that this behavior isn't very attractive and I definitely need to calm down when liking a guy. I need to stop daydreaming about someone who I barely even know because in all honesty, that is where I find trouble.

I do end up getting a bit obsessed because I am a natural worrier. It's not like I'm out there stalking every new crush I have. In fact, it's the very opposite. I get really nervous and it takes a LOT to start talking to them. And usually when I do talk to them, I say stupid things. No, my problem is that I start to worry about what I should do to make them like me. Which is stupid, in the first place, because why would I want to force someone to like me? I begin to think about the situation all the time, not so much the person and how perfect I think they are. My confidence level seems to drop with each new day, as I start to believe that I am not worthy of being liked and that isn't right. So, honestly, I'm very thankful that nothing has worked out for me so far. If I was in an actual relationship, I don't even know how that would work out for me. At least, right now with my 'way too much worrying' tendencies and my lack of confidence.

I may not be the most stylish girl around, or the skinniest nor do I possess model good looks, but I am down to earth, absolutely hilarious (usually) and NOT at all boring. I am not afraid to like nerdy things nor am I going to change myself, or my values, in order to make someone like me. I know I should probably put more effort into how I present myself at school but let's be honest, school tires me out. I don't want to be there. My appearance is directly affected by how much school takes out of me. So.... I'm blaming lectures and professors for the lack of care for my appearance. ;P Though, I don't think I'm too terrible to look at. Especially when I'm typically smiling all the time. Smiling makes anyone look good :)

So there are some reasons as to why I am single. They may not even have anything to do with it, but I have a nagging feeling at the back of my head that tells me otherwise. However, I am not too sad about it. I know that God has a plan for me. And if he is using these silly little quirks that I have adopted over the years to keep me from being in the wrong relationships, then I am extremely grateful. Sure, I probably make a fool out of myself each time I try to pursue those relationships and then make these 'mistakes' but in the end, I typically end up a little stronger and smarter because of the situation. Right now, I'm super content with being by myself. In fact, I prefer it. I do not have to deal with any broken hearts, nor do I have to spend my money on dates or looking pretty. All I have to do is love myself, do the things I want to do and remember that I do not need the acceptance from another human being.

God loves me. And you. He is also preparing me for the man that He has picked out for me. At least, that is my belief. If you think that is totally silly, then that is quite alright. My beliefs give me hope, however, so I wouldn't change them for the world. Even if I'm wrong, and I don't have someone that I will marry and spend the rest of my human life with, that is a okay as well. No matter what happens, I am trusting in God, because ultimately, He knows what is best for me. He sacrificed His son Jesus, because they both love me in a way that incomprehensible to humans! They wanted me to be accepted into the Kingdom of Heaven and honestly, what could be better than that? I am going to focus on Him right now, because I know that no matter what happens, He will lead me down the path that He planned for me. Whether that brings me troubles or lots and lots of happiness, I know that it will make me the Woman of Christ that I am supposed to be.

Thank you, Jesus. :)