Reasons Why:

5 REASONS WHY I BELIEVE MY DOG IS PLOTTING TO KILL ME

Sure, sure, I know what you are saying already... "But Westley is so cute and cuddly and blah, blah, blah..." And I don't want to deny that, because he can be those things. However, you do not live with this dog. You do not have to deal with his daily shenanigans. Although he may fool you all with his miniature size and fun energy, I am able to see past his sly trickery. I see Westley for what he truly is... and unfortunately, I have come to believe that he might just be a killer. Despite his tiny legs, one eye and cheery disposition, I have a nagging hunch that he may just be more devious than I had originally thought.

1. As stereotypical as this sounds... My dog only has one eye. Yes, yes, I know what you're thinking: "What does that have to do with him wanting to kill you?" Well, let me just say, some pirates only have one eye. Most pirates with one eye are very cold-hearted and have killed many in order to fulfill their selfish desires. My dog is named after a pirate and only has one eye, therefore I can claim that he's practically a pirate. I also am able to easily deduct from this information that my dog has pirate tendencies and is plotting to kill me in order to steal my money and sail away on a big ship (which he will most likely also steal). This speculation alone is enough to back up my fear of being killed.

2. He sheds his fur everywhere in order to frustrate me. Although most of you would claim that this is a natural occurrence and happens with many other animals, I could not disagree more. While a thin layer of fur coats every item in my room, from carpet to blankets to my books, (YES, books. I don't even know how that's possible), I can't help but notice the intent in his eyes as he is prancing around my room. I am positive that he knows exactly what he is doing with that fur. He knows how I don't want to be that person. The one who looks as if they don't clean up after their animals because they are covered with hair. I had always thought that these people just didn't clean very well... Now I know that I'm mistaken and that animals are sometimes buttheads. 

3. While enjoying my time relaxing at home, I typically expect my young dog to cuddle up in my lap and allow me to sleep. This rarely happens, however. Instead, Westley enjoys to refer to any of my free moments as play time. Walking, petting and playing with him are great activities, especially after I've been at school all day. Even though I may be exhausted, I truly do not mind tossing his chew toys around and rubbing his wittle belly. The only reason this play time gets annoying is because Mr. Westley doesn't like to play nice. After a few time chasing after his toy, he starts to get bored. At this time he will get really close to my face, staring at me with his cute puppy dog eye. This behavior is seemingly innocent, of course. He waits for a moment... And then CHOMPS AT MY FACE. A low growl escapes from his snout as he does so, which concerns me. I swear there is actual contempt behind those snaps and growls. I don't want my face to be bitten. That would really hurt. :(

4.  Although I'm not trying to be judgemental, sometimes my dog's one eye is creepy. Especially wnen he just stares at me for an extremely long period of time. And it's during the middle of the night. And I just so happened to be asleep before waking up with a start and finding that one little dog eye staring. This kind of behavior is not the least bit comforting when I believe that he is trying to kill me. Instead of coming off as sweet and protective, I feel like it's much more like the evening hours are his plotting time instead of him guarding over me with a watchful eye.

5. I'm pretty positive that Westley could hold the world record for 'Longest Claws on a Domesticated Animal'. I have tried countless times to have his nails trimmed, but he just won't have it. He thrashes around and tries to hurt the ladies who are grooming him. Apparently he isn't very trusting... which could possibly be an indicator to the fact that he doesn't deserve our trust. Anyhow, along with the lack of trust he demonstrates, his nails could be used to cause some real trauma. Every day when I come home, he feigns excitement and jumps up on my legs. If one is not careful, this seems like a harmless act of happiness. However, I know better. After a week of this behavior, I began to notice that my legs were quite scratched up. At that moment, I realized exactly what he was trying to do. He was really trying to hurt me!! Why else would he continue to jump on my legs when I asked him to stop?

After reading this blog post, I hope that you are aware that the behaviors of my dog are surely not out of happiness and excitement, but are caused by malicious intent. He is certainly out to get me and I don't care what anyone else says about his cuteness!! It's all a ruse to make you all turn against me. Please don't let his supposed disability fool you. He may have one eye, but that doesn't get rid of the fact that he is intelligent. Perhaps his utter evilness is what got him in the shelter in the first place. So please, I need your help. I need to outsmart this pup or I will be done for!