Monday, November 17, 2014

Reasons Why:

FIVE REASONS WHY
You Shouldn't Mess With Me

1) I may seem sweet but I do not trust people easily. Yes, I am a nice person, but I am not na├»ve. I know that the world isn't all peachy keen jelly bean. Though I wish it were, I do not expect the world to be perfect. Due to the inevitable imperfections, I almost always believe that the worst will happen, no matter if the real life chances of that occurring are slim to none. Every bad scenario goes through my head, and I always believe that people will fail me. It has happened many times already, so there isn't much of a reason to think differently. In all honestly, this quality has helped me to deal with certain situations with a much better plan in mind. 

It takes a lot for me to sincerely trust those around me. So even if we may be the best of friends, I still am quite worried that you may hurt me. Because let's be honest, it is so easy to hurt someone when you know their life story. You have so much blackmail, you could ruin their lives in a matter of seconds with social media. I really wish I could just opt out of human interaction due to this scary fact.
2) I am not afraid to go full out bitch on people now. Although I do care a bit about what others think about me, it is definitely not as bad as it used to be. Now when people are annoying me, I will be blunt with them. Confrontation is becoming an easier task for me, so watch out, bud! If you are pissing me off, I will most likely always let you know. If you are being a nice person, we won't have any problems, and typically I am pretty acceptable of weird quirks because I have so many of my own. What I don't like are a-holes. If you are being mean to someone for no good reason, I am going to be angry at you. I may even be mean to you. You don't want that to happen.... it's against my nature to be mean, and most people have never experienced my anger directed towards them. The unknown is pretty darn scary, so I would suggest being a good person around me.

3) I'm crazy. If you didn't know that about me... then you probably don't know me or how badly I can mess you up at all.

4) The most vicious of dogs just so happens to be in my possession. With one eye missing, and battle wounds from a brawl with a speeding car, Westley Griffith is the meanest, little dog that you will ever encounter. That is, if you threaten me in any way. Other than that, he's pretty much a big sweetheart. BUT! If he thinks that even for one second you are ruining my good day, or trying to sabotage my life, he will bite you. And bark at you. And possibly pee on your leg. Watch out!

And finally, last but certainly not least...

5) I may be small, but I am mighty. Many do not believe that fact about me, if we're going to be honest. I've been treated like a dainty flower for most of my life, and could not be trusted with lifting things, or fighting for one's honor! Sure, I may be a bit of a clutz, but that has nothing to do with my strength. And yes, I do act like a child a lot of the time, so perhaps that has something to do with the general opinion. BUT. I am strong. I played sports all throughout my childhood, and became really good at soccer. If it wasn't for my damned asthma, I probably would still be playing today. I love that sport.

Anyway, through playing sports, developing asthma, going through really tough situations as a person in general, and many other reasons, I am not only strong physically, but mentally as well. Even if I am going through a tough patch in my life and have a break down from time to time, that doesn't mean I cannot handle stress. (I may not handle it in a very healthy way.... but I can still handle it). I can protect myself if I need to. I could play sports again and be quite good, that is, if I have an inhaler at my sides at all time.

Asthma is a bitch.

And so concludes the list as to why you should not mess with me. Even though this blog is for good natured fun, this post bears some truth that needs to be recognized. I would rather appreciate if the general public would stop taking advantage of me, and viewing me as someone who is weak.

Saturday, November 15, 2014

Hi. You're Stupid.

Hi. You're stupid.
No, not you! The other guy...

Can I just say one thing?


WTF.

*Warning. This post contains a long rant that you probably won't care too much to read so feel free to skip out on this one.*

Just when you think life could finally be heading in the (sort of) right direction, people ruin everything. And not just any old person... but it has to be that one person whom you care just enough about and want so desperately to make things right between the two of you. However, at this moment in time things can't get any worse in your relationship with this particular person because you really aren't speaking and things are terribly awkward and you feel horrible about the way things are going and oh wait, things did just get worse and you feel absolutely mortified and angry and you have no idea what you need to do and you just want to punch things and, and, and.... !

When this happens, I feel like escaping to another planet, or just maybe, to the bottom of the ocean! Perhaps then I'll find Nemo and discover that I have enough courage to touch the butt just as he did, instead of living this annoying life where drama and madness ensue at every possible moment. Yeah, it's definitely plausible. Well, right now it feels more plausible than having any certainty at all that my current predicament might ever be solved. Life feels as if it will never be back to "normal". Yet, normal may not be the correct term, especially when it comes to my life. I pray that life will be less heart-wrenchingly awful at some point in time, however, it just doesn't feel as if that will be a reality any time soon.

Yes. I feel crazy. And yes... at some points, I may actually be acting slightly insane. But I do not believe that I'm any crazier than any other person who has been dealing with the following: great amounts of stress academically, feelings of inadequacy at every possible turn, fearing for the path of your life and what's to come in the future, financial struggles, not having any motivation to do anything except lie on the couch and binge-watch Netflix, and the list goes on and on. When you have never learned how to handle stress well in your life, and you've lost all motivation to care for some reason or another, everything in life becomes that much more difficult. 

Now add your friendships into the mix and you've got a recipe for disaster. You constantly disappoint people because you aren't perfect, and they constantly disappoint you because hey, look at that, they are not perfect either. No matter how strongly you feel about how a person should act, they may never even think about acting in that way, therefore disappointing you. And because they are different from you and choose to react to life in a foreign way, you get angry and feel hurt because you just don't understand. Then your anger is fueled when this person begins to ignore you and make you feel absolutely worthless.... Has this ever happened to you? No. Just me, eh? Well, consider yourself lucky.

I have never had a time in my life where my friendships have been so stressful. It's not all of my friendships... in fact, I have the greatest of friends. The problem is that this situation is with someone who probably does not care about me as much as I care about them. (Or at least, did care, before all of this unintelligent crap went down). For the past few months, I have been giving up a lot of time for people who wouldn't do the same for me. I would be so excited to spend time with these people, only to be disappointed when they would bail on me. Everyone reserves the right to bail on their friends once in a while, and if you're not feeling up to hanging out, then by all means take a mental health day. But when you are not putting in as much effort into the friendship as I am, I am forced to reconsider my relationship with you.

I am tired of being treated like an outsider. I'm tired of ALWAYS being someone's second choice, or viewed as not "cool" enough to spend time with. Granted, I'm not looking for friends who are going to put me first at every second of every day. I'm definitely not looking for friends who have no other people in their life aside from me. What I want is someone who puts in a little effort into caring about me and my feelings. You don't have to be my shoulder to cry on, nor do you have to spend much time with me, but please don't just take all of the benefits of having me as a friend, and then ignore me later. Don't say that you want to be friends and then act like the situation is so awkward for you, and it's a chore to be around me. If that is how you feel, then don't offer a friendship to me at all. I don't want it.

Yes, I am difficult to deal with at times. Yes, I say the wrong things and act awkward all the time. But you are not exactly perfect. You are not God's gift to this earth. You are a measly human, just like me. You are not better than me, nor are your feelings more important. If you feel awkward but still want to be friends, you have to say something. I can't read your mind. And if you really knew me, you would understand that I over think everything that everyone does, end up misinterpreting it all, and have no idea how to fix things. So please, offer up a little advice on how your feeling otherwise, I am going to be mad all of the time.


UGH.

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Chocolate is the Only Thing That Could Fix This

(I wrote this a couple weeks ago... but it's still got some fun stuff to read. And a cool GIF, sooo I'm posting it.)

CHOCOLATE
IS THE ONLY THING THAT COULD FIX THIS

Yet again, I am on the verge of having a mental breakdown. This week started off on a much better foot than I thought it would, though there really was no reason for anything to go as well as it did. I was unprepared for the important events that week, and to be honest, I think that it was God keeping me calm that allowed my performances, tests, and all of the rest to go so well. Then when Thursday hit, it was time to say goodbye to my good mood. Granted, it was my own fault, but when everything is going your way, you hate to see it all abandon you so quickly.

Basically I was told to get my shit together by one of my teachers. (Please, excuse the language. And no it wasn't said in that way. My professor is much more articulate than I). At first, I was quite peeved at the way he brought it up in front of my classmates. It was embarrassing. Yet, as I've been able to let those words marinate my soul, I've realized that this is nothing but a pride issue. While I don't think I'm the worst student out there, I do know that when it comes to my schooling, especially in the music department, I've let my emotions get the better of me. People who are supposed to be my friends have hurt me, I've been insulted, I hate how selfish people can be in the department, and the list of other problems go on and on. Throughout the whole time I have been at the University, I have let other people steal my happiness, and I haven't allowed myself to get over any of it. When the going got tough, I shut down, stopped trying, and decided to coast. 

I've never really had to work very hard for the things that I've wanted. Really, it's all been handed to me on a silver platter since I have some intelligence and talent. That was, until I moved to Reno. I definitely wasn't in good ol' Elko, Nevada anymore, where I was easily one of the most talented people around. I realized that there was actual competition here, and the fact that I had to work on myself and couldn't just take the easy road towards success terrified me. It still discourages me at many points, to this day. Although I have overcome a lot of this fear, I'm still letting my emotions get the better of me.

Not only do I let my emotions get the better of me, I also fill every moment of every day with some activity or another. So by the time I get home and can actually get work done, I am too exhausted to even think about what I have to do for the next day. I merely want to curl up on the couch, eat some dinner, and laugh while watching Chuck. I don't want to deal with my thoughts, much less all of the tasks that I need to get done. I JUST WANT TO RELAX. :( Instead of enjoying my life and living each day to the fullest, I am always exhausted and my motivation levels aren't exactly where they should be.

To be successful, however, I cannot let these feelings get the better of me. As of right now, they are kicking my butt. Yet, it's not even close to the end of my rope, so there is still hope that I can kick this slump to the curve. I'm not quite sure how to really fix this problem, but I guess it's a trial and error type of deal. We shall see. 



Thursday, October 23, 2014

A New Perspective

A NEW PERSPECTIVE


So, I'm feeling quite on a roll with this blog right now. I probably am having more inspiration than usual to write because I would rather procrastinate right now, than do all of the important things that I should be doing. Oh well!

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Usually this isn't very healthy for me because, as you may have read in previous posts, I'm a bit of a worry wart. Anxiety is just a huge part of my life, whether I approve of it or not. And just so it's clear... I really don't like it. That being said, I should be perfectly honest in saying that this anxiety is not always just about the future, or worrying about things that I've done and how they will affect me (or are affecting me at this very minute), but I tend to have anxiety about myself and the relationships I have with others. My thoughts will be along the lines of, "Does this person approve of me?", "Was that weird to say?", "Am I pretty enough?", "Am I talented enough?". All of these thoughts are completely normal for a human being to have, I would presume. However, if I'm having a really bad day, I have been known to become really hateful towards myself because I think that I should be better.

It's not a fun time, let me tell you.


However, in the past few weeks, though I've been through some pretty interesting stuff and have felt emotional at times, I think I've made some strides in how I view myself. Instead of being highly negative and thinking that everything is my fault, I've been accepting life and moving on. FREAKY, right?? I know that this might not seem like a hard task for most of you, but for me, it's kind of liberating. After being stuck in a depression during my sophomore year where I had absolutely no motivation to do anything, and then having to deal with the habits formed during that time throughout the past year and a half, it's been a tough road. I would have to say though, thank goodness for great roommates, traveling overseas by myself, and other wonderful opportunities.  All of those awesome things made life a lot easier to love.



 Although you may not share the same beliefs, I know that the change had a lot to do with my faith. Knowing that there is a God who knew me before I was born, who created me exactly the way that I am, and who loves me as much as his one and only son, Jesus Christ, blows my freakin' mind. Unconditional love is really tough to comprehend, so it's been a bit of a battle, but as He has changed my heart little by little over the past two years, I have become a much better person and more Christ-like. Yes, I am NOT perfect by any means, and there are moments in my life where God would probably be shaking His head if He wasn't so gracious. I am still human. But I am learning. And I am accepting the things around me that I cannot control more often than not. I worry less, although I still worry a lot, and the depression that I once knew is not a scary, all consuming storm any longer.


Due to this change of heart, I have realized that I deserve a lot better in the relationships that I have with people. While I have some of the most amazing friends around... there are many toxic relationships still apparent in my life. Though they may not exactly be terrible people and I still love them, I have a lot of friends whom I give up a lot of time for, and they don't return the favor. I constantly feel as if I am the only person trying to plan things, the only one who makes sacrifices. For a person who cares a lot about others, this truly upsets me. My anxiety does kick in after a while and I'm forced to wonder, "Does this person even care?" If I were to leave without any notice, would they say anything?

These types of people that are so preoccupied with themselves used to make me wonder if I was even good enough to be friends with. I would wonder why I didn't mean as much to them as they mean to me? Yet now I realize that even if I may not matter to them that much, or at all, that doesn't make me any less of a person. It doesn't make me weird, "too much", or not good enough. I am good enough and I have a big heart. I go out of my way to make others happy, and I deserve to have friends who are willing to share in keeping care of a relationship. Not someone who just reaps all the benefits of having me there. There is nothing wrong with me if I care too much... Of course, when it gets creepy, then maybe we have a problem. And perhaps I have gotten creepy? I wouldn't know!! If I have, I would like to know friends, so keep me updated :P



Anyway... I suppose the point of this post is to just let everyone know that I'm done with putting myself down on a regular basis. I'm tired of questioning myself, and other people's motives. I just want to be friends with people who actually care and will put in an effort to spend time with me and make me feel special, because I would do the same for them. I am no longer going to be sad over the little things that don't matter. I'm also not putting up with anyone's crap any longer. It's exhausting. So.... rant over and I'm going to sleep now.


Friday, October 17, 2014

Let's Get it Started


It's been quite awhile since I have come up with a blog post. I love to write, but I never seem to have enough time for it. I never seem to have enough time for anything, if you want me to be truthful. Yet, today has sparked enough motivation in me to write something new. Well, it won't be exactly "new" since it deals with the very same topic that I seem to write about over and over again, especially here. My anxiety. People. Relationships in my life that don't seem to work out the way that I had planned. Feeling inadequate. Realizing (or trying to realize) that those feelings are absurd. You know... the usual.

Though I have no idea who will read this post, I do know that it will serve as a way for me to organize my feelings, present them in a cool, little blog post, and allow me to think through it all with a clear mind. It's cool how this all works and I'm quite thankful for the opportunity to spew words onto a page, even if they might be crazy. And perhaps it will make you laugh a few times. At least, I hope to God that it will!

So. This Fall semester has been nothing but an emotional roller coaster ride for me. At this time, you might be asking, "Does this even surprise you?" and my answer to that would be, "Heck to the no." Although, I wish it weren't the case. I wish that life could be simpler. I truly long for an easy cruise towards graduation, with no bumps, no insane weather watches, and no crazy backseat drivers that make me feel like driving into the road barrier. Alas, this is life and it is not, and never will be simple. Especially for someone who worries as much as I do, every day is a new battle. I can't even enjoy the present because I am so worked up about what MIGHT happen in the future. It's exhausting. But I'm working on it... so that has to count for something, eh?

Let's hope!

If you have been following my blog closely, you may have noticed that my problems usually have to do with my anxiety and the people that induce it. Whether it be in my friendships, romantic relationships, or with my family... I always have some form of anxiety plaguing me. Although it may not be so severe, it is noticeable. I want to be well-liked but I want to be happy. In my experience, those two things don't always coincide. I want to be caring and compassionate, but sometimes I come off as too intense. Other times, I read into people's reactions way TOO much. And still other times? I go after people (romantically) when I should just leave them as friends.

That being said... these people should stay friends because they are not good for me. Sure, they might be everything that 13 year old me would have wanted. No, just kidding. None of the men I have gone after could ever live up to the expectations set by Mr. Daniel Radcliffe in his young Harry Potter years. ;) But seriously... on paper, these guys seem to have everything going for them. Handsome, a good paying job, a sense of humor and confidence. Yet... if I am going to be honest, most of them were jerks. Some weren't too bad, but obviously not the right one for me. At least, they seemed to think so, so I was left with nothing else to do but move on and accept that maybe they were right.

But perhaps the problem wasn't that they were bad people. Everyone has their flaws, but we also have good things about ourselves that are wonderful! I always can see the good in people, even when they can't see it themselves. Maybe that is why I fall so easily in like with many guys that I meet. I find their good qualities and have so much hope that things could work out. Now at this point, things can go one of two ways. A) I like them and they don't like me. Cue the freaking out and crying and then finally moving on. B) I like them and they like me. Cue the freaking out and crying and making up excuses and moving on. Option B isn't exactly healthy, and both of these situations SUCK. I always end up feeling weird and never satisfied.

Some would suggest that I haven't found the right person yet. I could agree with that statement, but I believe there is a much bigger picture here. Most of the time, this anxiety, no matter how much I would like to pin the blame for it on other people, is due to my own actions and my own thoughts. Paired with the tendency to be a chronic "liker," meaning that I always have a crush on someone, and not exactly falling for someone based on the important things, my life gets a lot more complicated. I have not had a break in my life where I could completely focus on myself, to work on my trust and intimacy issues or strengthen my relationship with God. Thankfully, He has started to heal me and has helped me grow so much, even if I haven't exactly sought Him out. I don't know why or how that happened, but I am beyond grateful.

Though that is all fine and dandy, I cannot keep living life like this. These issues are something that I need to deal with and I shouldn't be with anyone until I can confidently say, "Hey, I like myself, and I like you because you're a good person, and I trust that you will try your best to care for me! I trust not only you, but also myself in this relationship. Let's try it out because I care about you a whole lot and not just because I think you're cute! Though that really helps." In order to achieve this status, I must learn to protect my heart, first off. Secondly, I have to trust people more than just surface level. Third, I just gotta accept this life that I have, love it and be content in it. Realize that I'm doing the best that I can and sometimes I won't be perfect. Life still goes on. And last, but certainly not least, STOP CHASING AFTER PEOPLE. Sure, relationships are full of give and take, but if someone doesn't make the time for you, YOU need to stop giving up everything for them. I do that quite often and it always turns out quite terribly.

I know that this process is going to be difficult, and I know that I won't be able to do it alone. However, no matter what society and culture tells me, I don't need a significant other to make myself happy. In fact, it's unfair to put that much pressure on another person. So I won't... I will be content with what I am doing in my life, appreciate people for who they are but not get so wrapped up in the idea of a relationship that I lose myself, and get super sad over the little things. It's time for a change, so let's get started. :)




Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Hurt

(This was written some time ago, however I felt as if I should post what I have here).



Have you ever been hurt?

Well, seeing that you are human (at least, I sincerely hope you are if you are reading my blog), it is extremely likely that you've been through some tough times. Whether it has been an experience with a death in the family, or being a part of a relationship that has fallen apart, or countless other situations that really suck, we have all seen a side of life that isn't all peachy keen jelly bean. And to be completely honest, bad things seem to happen all at once and in two's and three's.

Although I am sincerely grateful for my life and all the good things that come with it (like having a roof over my head, food in my belly and great friends/family),  I cannot help but be depressed about certain things that have happened in my life. Perhaps I'm too dependent on people when it comes to finding happiness? Or maybe my expectations of these people are too high? OR! Maybe I'm not being thankful enough? I have no idea. Whatever the case, I am severely disappointed in the way things have been turning out for me.

I feel trapped in Reno. I feel like I'm not going to amount to anything. I feel like people don't truly like me. I feel like I'm too much. I feel, I feel, I feel.....


God, I hate feelings.


At times, I just wish that I was a robot who has no capabilities to feel. However, when I really think about that wish, I realize just how silly that would be.

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Flow

WHAT IS GOING WITH THE FLOW?
And how on Earth do I do it?



Okay.

It's not like you've heard about the issues I have with being normal so many times that you've begun to lose count. As we all know, that's a topic I have no interest in dwelling on.

Ha.

If only that were the truth. Then, perhaps, this blog would have a lot more followers.

Oh well.

Another day in the life of Nicole means another day full of uttering weird things that probably make zero sense in the minds of others. I must admit though, I keep even myself on tip toes with all of the silly things that come out of my mouth. However, to be quite honest, I don't believe that's a good thing.

Typically I am around my friends, so the words I say can easily be brushed aside, if too weird, or out of context. Yet lately, I have been spending time with people who make me nervous. The nervous feelings, in turn, cause me to say those odd things more frequently. And people who make me nervous are those with whom I do not spend much time, because well... they make me nervous. Isn't it obvious? These nerve-inducing folks can be anyone from someone I admire to a teacher that scares the pants off of me. I will not tell you which group of people I am dealing with, in case that person is reading. I don't want life to be even more awkward that it already is.

Which I'm pretty sure I've already failed at due to the fact that I included the sentence above.

Ugh.

Anyway, moving on! How in the world do I stop saying weird things? It's not that I don't want to be myself... I really, truly love myself and my quirks, but what I am dealing with isn't just me being silly. It's practically word vomit that cannot be stopped because my brain is not controlling it. In fact, I don't know what is controlling it. Perhaps someone is trying to sabotage my life, and therefore finds a way to put words into my mouth that I do not there. Yes, that makes perfect sense! I'm sure there is some kind of technology available that would allow it to be possible.

Or maybe I'm sabotaging myself? It seems to happen on a frequent basis, and the only variable that stays the same in these relationship equations happens to be me. Maybe subconsciously, I don't want to these people to respect me. Perhaps, deep down, I am so scared of them that I want them as far away from me as possible because I don't want to deal with the fact that they are challenging me to grow.

Nahhhh.... that's definitely not it! :P

Why is life so complicated and yet not complicated at the same time? Human emotions make everything ten times worse! If I could just not feel and become a success-seeking, awesome robot, then I'd be okay. I'm tired of this emotional roller coaster ride!

RANT OVER.