Hi. You're stupid.
No, not you! The other guy...
Can I just say one thing?
WTF.
*Warning. This post contains a long rant that you probably won't care too much to read so feel free to skip out on this one.*
Just when you think life could finally be heading in the (sort of) right direction, people ruin everything. And not just any old person... but it has to be that one person whom you care just enough about and want so desperately to make things right between the two of you. However, at this moment in time things can't get any worse in your relationship with this particular person because you really aren't speaking and things are terribly awkward and you feel horrible about the way things are going and oh wait, things did just get worse and you feel absolutely mortified and angry and you have no idea what you need to do and you just want to punch things and, and, and.... !
When this happens, I feel like escaping to another planet, or just maybe, to the bottom of the ocean! Perhaps then I'll find Nemo and discover that I have enough courage to touch the butt just as he did, instead of living this annoying life where drama and madness ensue at every possible moment. Yeah, it's definitely plausible. Well, right now it feels more plausible than having any certainty at all that my current predicament might ever be solved. Life feels as if it will never be back to "normal". Yet, normal may not be the correct term, especially when it comes to my life. I pray that life will be less heart-wrenchingly awful at some point in time, however, it just doesn't feel as if that will be a reality any time soon.
Yes. I feel crazy. And yes... at some points, I may actually be acting slightly insane. But I do not believe that I'm any crazier than any other person who has been dealing with the following: great amounts of stress academically, feelings of inadequacy at every possible turn, fearing for the path of your life and what's to come in the future, financial struggles, not having any motivation to do anything except lie on the couch and binge-watch Netflix, and the list goes on and on. When you have never learned how to handle stress well in your life, and you've lost all motivation to care for some reason or another, everything in life becomes that much more difficult.
Now add your friendships into the mix and you've got a recipe for disaster. You constantly disappoint people because you aren't perfect, and they constantly disappoint you because hey, look at that, they are not perfect either. No matter how strongly you feel about how a person should act, they may never even think about acting in that way, therefore disappointing you. And because they are different from you and choose to react to life in a foreign way, you get angry and feel hurt because you just don't understand. Then your anger is fueled when this person begins to ignore you and make you feel absolutely worthless.... Has this ever happened to you? No. Just me, eh? Well, consider yourself lucky.
I have never had a time in my life where my friendships have been so stressful. It's not all of my friendships... in fact, I have the greatest of friends. The problem is that this situation is with someone who probably does not care about me as much as I care about them. (Or at least, did care, before all of this unintelligent crap went down). For the past few months, I have been giving up a lot of time for people who wouldn't do the same for me. I would be so excited to spend time with these people, only to be disappointed when they would bail on me. Everyone reserves the right to bail on their friends once in a while, and if you're not feeling up to hanging out, then by all means take a mental health day. But when you are not putting in as much effort into the friendship as I am, I am forced to reconsider my relationship with you.
I am tired of being treated like an outsider. I'm tired of ALWAYS being someone's second choice, or viewed as not "cool" enough to spend time with. Granted, I'm not looking for friends who are going to put me first at every second of every day. I'm definitely not looking for friends who have no other people in their life aside from me. What I want is someone who puts in a little effort into caring about me and my feelings. You don't have to be my shoulder to cry on, nor do you have to spend much time with me, but please don't just take all of the benefits of having me as a friend, and then ignore me later. Don't say that you want to be friends and then act like the situation is so awkward for you, and it's a chore to be around me. If that is how you feel, then don't offer a friendship to me at all. I don't want it.
Yes, I am difficult to deal with at times. Yes, I say the wrong things and act awkward all the time. But you are not exactly perfect. You are not God's gift to this earth. You are a measly human, just like me. You are not better than me, nor are your feelings more important. If you feel awkward but still want to be friends, you have to say something. I can't read your mind. And if you really knew me, you would understand that I over think everything that everyone does, end up misinterpreting it all, and have no idea how to fix things. So please, offer up a little advice on how your feeling otherwise, I am going to be mad all of the time.
UGH.
I have never had a time in my life where my friendships have been so stressful. It's not all of my friendships... in fact, I have the greatest of friends. The problem is that this situation is with someone who probably does not care about me as much as I care about them. (Or at least, did care, before all of this unintelligent crap went down). For the past few months, I have been giving up a lot of time for people who wouldn't do the same for me. I would be so excited to spend time with these people, only to be disappointed when they would bail on me. Everyone reserves the right to bail on their friends once in a while, and if you're not feeling up to hanging out, then by all means take a mental health day. But when you are not putting in as much effort into the friendship as I am, I am forced to reconsider my relationship with you.
I am tired of being treated like an outsider. I'm tired of ALWAYS being someone's second choice, or viewed as not "cool" enough to spend time with. Granted, I'm not looking for friends who are going to put me first at every second of every day. I'm definitely not looking for friends who have no other people in their life aside from me. What I want is someone who puts in a little effort into caring about me and my feelings. You don't have to be my shoulder to cry on, nor do you have to spend much time with me, but please don't just take all of the benefits of having me as a friend, and then ignore me later. Don't say that you want to be friends and then act like the situation is so awkward for you, and it's a chore to be around me. If that is how you feel, then don't offer a friendship to me at all. I don't want it.
Yes, I am difficult to deal with at times. Yes, I say the wrong things and act awkward all the time. But you are not exactly perfect. You are not God's gift to this earth. You are a measly human, just like me. You are not better than me, nor are your feelings more important. If you feel awkward but still want to be friends, you have to say something. I can't read your mind. And if you really knew me, you would understand that I over think everything that everyone does, end up misinterpreting it all, and have no idea how to fix things. So please, offer up a little advice on how your feeling otherwise, I am going to be mad all of the time.
UGH.
I find this ironic and a bit funny...
ReplyDeleteOnly a bit funny? :P Well, I appreciate your findings of irony and being somewhat entertained.
ReplyDelete