A New Perspective

A NEW PERSPECTIVE

So, I'm feeling quite on a roll with this blog right now. I probably am having more inspiration than usual to write because I would rather procrastinate right now, than do all of the important things that I should be doing. Oh well!

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Usually this isn't very healthy for me because, as you may have read in previous posts, I'm a bit of a worry wart. Anxiety is just a huge part of my life, whether I approve of it or not. And just so it's clear... I really don't like it. That being said, I should be perfectly honest in saying that this anxiety is not always just about the future, or worrying about things that I've done and how they will affect me (or are affecting me at this very minute), but I tend to have anxiety about myself and the relationships I have with others. My thoughts will be along the lines of, "Does this person approve of me?", "Was that weird to say?", "Am I pretty enough?", "Am I talented enough?". All of these thoughts are completely normal for a human being to have, I would presume. However, if I'm having a really bad day, I have been known to become really hateful towards myself because I think that I should be better.

It's not a fun time, let me tell you.

However, in the past few weeks, though I've been through some pretty interesting stuff and have felt emotional at times, I think I've made some strides in how I view myself. Instead of being highly negative and thinking that everything is my fault, I've been accepting life and moving on. FREAKY, right?? I know that this might not seem like a hard task for most of you, but for me, it's kind of liberating. After being stuck in a depression during my sophomore year where I had absolutely no motivation to do anything, and then having to deal with the habits formed during that time throughout the past year and a half, it's been a tough road. I would have to say though, thank goodness for great roommates, traveling overseas by myself, and other wonderful opportunities.  All of those awesome things made life a lot easier to love.

 Although you may not share the same beliefs, I know that the change had a lot to do with my faith. Knowing that there is a God who knew me before I was born, who created me exactly the way that I am, and who loves me as much as his one and only son, Jesus Christ, blows my freakin' mind. Unconditional love is really tough to comprehend, so it's been a bit of a battle, but as He has changed my heart little by little over the past two years, I have become a much better person and more Christ-like. Yes, I am NOT perfect by any means, and there are moments in my life where God would probably be shaking His head if He wasn't so gracious. I am still human. But I am learning. And I am accepting the things around me that I cannot control more often than not. I worry less, although I still worry a lot, and the depression that I once knew is not a scary, all consuming storm any longer.

Due to this change of heart, I have realized that I deserve a lot better in the relationships that I have with people. While I have some of the most amazing friends around... there are many toxic relationships still apparent in my life. Though they may not exactly be terrible people and I still love them, I have a lot of friends whom I give up a lot of time for, and they don't return the favor. I constantly feel as if I am the only person trying to plan things, the only one who makes sacrifices. For a person who cares a lot about others, this truly upsets me. My anxiety does kick in after a while and I'm forced to wonder, "Does this person even care?" If I were to leave without any notice, would they say anything?

These types of people that are so preoccupied with themselves used to make me wonder if I was even good enough to be friends with. I would wonder why I didn't mean as much to them as they mean to me? Yet now I realize that even if I may not matter to them that much, or at all, that doesn't make me any less of a person. It doesn't make me weird, "too much", or not good enough. I am good enough and I have a big heart. I go out of my way to make others happy, and I deserve to have friends who are willing to share in keeping care of a relationship. Not someone who just reaps all the benefits of having me there. There is nothing wrong with me if I care too much... Of course, when it gets creepy, then maybe we have a problem. And perhaps I have gotten creepy? I wouldn't know!! If I have, I would like to know friends, so keep me updated :P

Anyway... I suppose the point of this post is to just let everyone know that I'm done with putting myself down on a regular basis. I'm tired of questioning myself, and other people's motives. I just want to be friends with people who actually care and will put in an effort to spend time with me and make me feel special, because I would do the same for them. I am no longer going to be sad over the little things that don't matter. I'm also not putting up with anyone's crap any longer. It's exhausting. So.... rant over and I'm going to sleep now.