Reasons Why:

FIVE REASONS WHY

You Shouldn't Mess With Me

1) I may seem sweet but I do not trust people easily. Yes, I am a nice person, but I am not naïve. I know that the world isn't all peachy keen jelly bean. Though I wish it were, I do not expect the world to be perfect. Due to the inevitable imperfections, I almost always believe that the worst will happen, no matter if the real life chances of that occurring are slim to none. Every bad scenario goes through my head, and I always believe that people will fail me. It has happened many times already, so there isn't much of a reason to think differently. In all honestly, this quality has helped me to deal with certain situations with a much better plan in mind. 

It takes a lot for me to sincerely trust those around me. So even if we may be the best of friends, I still am quite worried that you may hurt me. Because let's be honest, it is so easy to hurt someone when you know their life story. You have so much blackmail, you could ruin their lives in a matter of seconds with social media. I really wish I could just opt out of human interaction due to this scary fact.

2) I am not afraid to go full out bitch on people now. Although I do care a bit about what others think about me, it is definitely not as bad as it used to be. Now when people are annoying me, I will be blunt with them. Confrontation is becoming an easier task for me, so watch out, bud! If you are pissing me off, I will most likely always let you know. If you are being a nice person, we won't have any problems, and typically I am pretty acceptable of weird quirks because I have so many of my own. What I don't like are a-holes. If you are being mean to someone for no good reason, I am going to be angry at you. I may even be mean to you. You don't want that to happen.... it's against my nature to be mean, and most people have never experienced my anger directed towards them. The unknown is pretty darn scary, so I would suggest being a good person around me.

3) I'm crazy. If you didn't know that about me... then you probably don't know me or how badly I can mess you up at all.

4) The most vicious of dogs just so happens to be in my possession. With one eye missing, and battle wounds from a brawl with a speeding car, Westley Griffith is the meanest, little dog that you will ever encounter. That is, if you threaten me in any way. Other than that, he's pretty much a big sweetheart. BUT! If he thinks that even for one second you are ruining my good day, or trying to sabotage my life, he will bite you. And bark at you. And possibly pee on your leg. Watch out!

And finally, last but certainly not least...

5) I may be small, but I am mighty. Many do not believe that fact about me, if we're going to be honest. I've been treated like a dainty flower for most of my life, and could not be trusted with lifting things, or fighting for one's honor! Sure, I may be a bit of a clutz, but that has nothing to do with my strength. And yes, I do act like a child a lot of the time, so perhaps that has something to do with the general opinion. BUT. I am strong. I played sports all throughout my childhood, and became really good at soccer. If it wasn't for my damned asthma, I probably would still be playing today. I love that sport.

Anyway, through playing sports, developing asthma, going through really tough situations as a person in general, and many other reasons, I am not only strong physically, but mentally as well. Even if I am going through a tough patch in my life and have a break down from time to time, that doesn't mean I cannot handle stress. (I may not handle it in a very healthy way.... but I can still handle it). I can protect myself if I need to. I could play sports again and be quite good, that is, if I have an inhaler at my sides at all time.

Asthma is a bitch.

And so concludes the list as to why you should not mess with me. Even though this blog is for good natured fun, this post bears some truth that needs to be recognized. I would rather appreciate if the general public would stop taking advantage of me, and viewing me as someone who is weak.

Hi. You're Stupid.

Hi. You're stupid.

No, not you! The other guy...

Can I just say one thing?

WTF.

*Warning. This post contains a long rant that you probably won't care too much to read so feel free to skip out on this one.*

Just when you think life could finally be heading in the (sort of) right direction, people ruin everything. And not just any old person... but it has to be that one person whom you care just enough about and want so desperately to make things right between the two of you. However, at this moment in time things can't get any worse in your relationship with this particular person because you really aren't speaking and things are terribly awkward and you feel horrible about the way things are going and oh wait, things did just get worse and you feel absolutely mortified and angry and you have no idea what you need to do and you just want to punch things and, and, and.... !

When this happens, I feel like escaping to another planet, or just maybe, to the bottom of the ocean! Perhaps then I'll find Nemo and discover that I have enough courage to touch the butt just as he did, instead of living this annoying life where drama and madness ensue at every possible moment. Yeah, it's definitely plausible. Well, right now it feels more plausible than having any certainty at all that my current predicament might ever be solved. Life feels as if it will never be back to "normal". Yet, normal may not be the correct term, especially when it comes to my life. I pray that life will be less heart-wrenchingly awful at some point in time, however, it just doesn't feel as if that will be a reality any time soon.

Yes. I feel crazy. And yes... at some points, I may actually be acting slightly insane. But I do not believe that I'm any crazier than any other person who has been dealing with the following: great amounts of stress academically, feelings of inadequacy at every possible turn, fearing for the path of your life and what's to come in the future, financial struggles, not having any motivation to do anything except lie on the couch and binge-watch Netflix, and the list goes on and on. When you have never learned how to handle stress well in your life, and you've lost all motivation to care for some reason or another, everything in life becomes that much more difficult. 

Now add your friendships into the mix and you've got a recipe for disaster. You constantly disappoint people because you aren't perfect, and they constantly disappoint you because hey, look at that, they are not perfect either. No matter how strongly you feel about how a person should act, they may never even think about acting in that way, therefore disappointing you. And because they are different from you and choose to react to life in a foreign way, you get angry and feel hurt because you just don't understand. Then your anger is fueled when this person begins to ignore you and make you feel absolutely worthless.... Has this ever happened to you? No. Just me, eh? Well, consider yourself lucky.

I have never had a time in my life where my friendships have been so stressful. It's not all of my friendships... in fact, I have the greatest of friends. The problem is that this situation is with someone who probably does not care about me as much as I care about them. (Or at least, did care, before all of this unintelligent crap went down). For the past few months, I have been giving up a lot of time for people who wouldn't do the same for me. I would be so excited to spend time with these people, only to be disappointed when they would bail on me. Everyone reserves the right to bail on their friends once in a while, and if you're not feeling up to hanging out, then by all means take a mental health day. But when you are not putting in as much effort into the friendship as I am, I am forced to reconsider my relationship with you.

I am tired of being treated like an outsider. I'm tired of ALWAYS being someone's second choice, or viewed as not "cool" enough to spend time with. Granted, I'm not looking for friends who are going to put me first at every second of every day. I'm definitely not looking for friends who have no other people in their life aside from me. What I want is someone who puts in a little effort into caring about me and my feelings. You don't have to be my shoulder to cry on, nor do you have to spend much time with me, but please don't just take all of the benefits of having me as a friend, and then ignore me later. Don't say that you want to be friends and then act like the situation is so awkward for you, and it's a chore to be around me. If that is how you feel, then don't offer a friendship to me at all. I don't want it.

Yes, I am difficult to deal with at times. Yes, I say the wrong things and act awkward all the time. But you are not exactly perfect. You are not God's gift to this earth. You are a measly human, just like me. You are not better than me, nor are your feelings more important. If you feel awkward but still want to be friends, you have to say something. I can't read your mind. And if you really knew me, you would understand that I over think everything that everyone does, end up misinterpreting it all, and have no idea how to fix things. So please, offer up a little advice on how your feeling otherwise, I am going to be mad all of the time.


UGH.

Chocolate is the Only Thing That Could Fix This

(I wrote this a couple weeks ago... but it's still got some fun stuff to read. And a cool GIF, sooo I'm posting it.)

CHOCOLATE

IS THE ONLY THING THAT COULD FIX THIS

Yet again, I am on the verge of having a mental breakdown. This week started off on a much better foot than I thought it would, though there really was no reason for anything to go as well as it did. I was unprepared for the important events that week, and to be honest, I think that it was God keeping me calm that allowed my performances, tests, and all of the rest to go so well. Then when Thursday hit, it was time to say goodbye to my good mood. Granted, it was my own fault, but when everything is going your way, you hate to see it all abandon you so quickly.

Basically I was told to get my shit together by one of my teachers. (Please, excuse the language. And no it wasn't said in that way. My professor is much more articulate than I). At first, I was quite peeved at the way he brought it up in front of my classmates. It was embarrassing. Yet, as I've been able to let those words marinate my soul, I've realized that this is nothing but a pride issue. While I don't think I'm the worst student out there, I do know that when it comes to my schooling, especially in the music department, I've let my emotions get the better of me. People who are supposed to be my friends have hurt me, I've been insulted, I hate how selfish people can be in the department, and the list of other problems go on and on. Throughout the whole time I have been at the University, I have let other people steal my happiness, and I haven't allowed myself to get over any of it. When the going got tough, I shut down, stopped trying, and decided to coast. 

I've never really had to work very hard for the things that I've wanted. Really, it's all been handed to me on a silver platter since I have some intelligence and talent. That was, until I moved to Reno. I definitely wasn't in good ol' Elko, Nevada anymore, where I was easily one of the most talented people around. I realized that there was actual competition here, and the fact that I had to work on myself and couldn't just take the easy road towards success terrified me. It still discourages me at many points, to this day. Although I have overcome a lot of this fear, I'm still letting my emotions get the better of me.

Not only do I let my emotions get the better of me, I also fill every moment of every day with some activity or another. So by the time I get home and can actually get work done, I am too exhausted to even think about what I have to do for the next day. I merely want to curl up on the couch, eat some dinner, and laugh while watching Chuck. I don't want to deal with my thoughts, much less all of the tasks that I need to get done. I JUST WANT TO RELAX. :( Instead of enjoying my life and living each day to the fullest, I am always exhausted and my motivation levels aren't exactly where they should be.

To be successful, however, I cannot let these feelings get the better of me. As of right now, they are kicking my butt. Yet, it's not even close to the end of my rope, so there is still hope that I can kick this slump to the curve. I'm not quite sure how to really fix this problem, but I guess it's a trial and error type of deal. We shall see.