A New Perspective

A NEW PERSPECTIVE

So, I'm feeling quite on a roll with this blog right now. I probably am having more inspiration than usual to write because I would rather procrastinate right now, than do all of the important things that I should be doing. Oh well!

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Usually this isn't very healthy for me because, as you may have read in previous posts, I'm a bit of a worry wart. Anxiety is just a huge part of my life, whether I approve of it or not. And just so it's clear... I really don't like it. That being said, I should be perfectly honest in saying that this anxiety is not always just about the future, or worrying about things that I've done and how they will affect me (or are affecting me at this very minute), but I tend to have anxiety about myself and the relationships I have with others. My thoughts will be along the lines of, "Does this person approve of me?", "Was that weird to say?", "Am I pretty enough?", "Am I talented enough?". All of these thoughts are completely normal for a human being to have, I would presume. However, if I'm having a really bad day, I have been known to become really hateful towards myself because I think that I should be better.

It's not a fun time, let me tell you.

However, in the past few weeks, though I've been through some pretty interesting stuff and have felt emotional at times, I think I've made some strides in how I view myself. Instead of being highly negative and thinking that everything is my fault, I've been accepting life and moving on. FREAKY, right?? I know that this might not seem like a hard task for most of you, but for me, it's kind of liberating. After being stuck in a depression during my sophomore year where I had absolutely no motivation to do anything, and then having to deal with the habits formed during that time throughout the past year and a half, it's been a tough road. I would have to say though, thank goodness for great roommates, traveling overseas by myself, and other wonderful opportunities.  All of those awesome things made life a lot easier to love.

 Although you may not share the same beliefs, I know that the change had a lot to do with my faith. Knowing that there is a God who knew me before I was born, who created me exactly the way that I am, and who loves me as much as his one and only son, Jesus Christ, blows my freakin' mind. Unconditional love is really tough to comprehend, so it's been a bit of a battle, but as He has changed my heart little by little over the past two years, I have become a much better person and more Christ-like. Yes, I am NOT perfect by any means, and there are moments in my life where God would probably be shaking His head if He wasn't so gracious. I am still human. But I am learning. And I am accepting the things around me that I cannot control more often than not. I worry less, although I still worry a lot, and the depression that I once knew is not a scary, all consuming storm any longer.

Due to this change of heart, I have realized that I deserve a lot better in the relationships that I have with people. While I have some of the most amazing friends around... there are many toxic relationships still apparent in my life. Though they may not exactly be terrible people and I still love them, I have a lot of friends whom I give up a lot of time for, and they don't return the favor. I constantly feel as if I am the only person trying to plan things, the only one who makes sacrifices. For a person who cares a lot about others, this truly upsets me. My anxiety does kick in after a while and I'm forced to wonder, "Does this person even care?" If I were to leave without any notice, would they say anything?

These types of people that are so preoccupied with themselves used to make me wonder if I was even good enough to be friends with. I would wonder why I didn't mean as much to them as they mean to me? Yet now I realize that even if I may not matter to them that much, or at all, that doesn't make me any less of a person. It doesn't make me weird, "too much", or not good enough. I am good enough and I have a big heart. I go out of my way to make others happy, and I deserve to have friends who are willing to share in keeping care of a relationship. Not someone who just reaps all the benefits of having me there. There is nothing wrong with me if I care too much... Of course, when it gets creepy, then maybe we have a problem. And perhaps I have gotten creepy? I wouldn't know!! If I have, I would like to know friends, so keep me updated :P

Anyway... I suppose the point of this post is to just let everyone know that I'm done with putting myself down on a regular basis. I'm tired of questioning myself, and other people's motives. I just want to be friends with people who actually care and will put in an effort to spend time with me and make me feel special, because I would do the same for them. I am no longer going to be sad over the little things that don't matter. I'm also not putting up with anyone's crap any longer. It's exhausting. So.... rant over and I'm going to sleep now.

Let's Get it Started

It's been quite awhile since I have come up with a blog post. I love to write, but I never seem to have enough time for it. I never seem to have enough time for anything, if you want me to be truthful. Yet, today has sparked enough motivation in me to write something new. Well, it won't be exactly "new" since it deals with the very same topic that I seem to write about over and over again, especially here. My anxiety. People. Relationships in my life that don't seem to work out the way that I had planned. Feeling inadequate. Realizing (or trying to realize) that those feelings are absurd. You know... the usual.

Though I have no idea who will read this post, I do know that it will serve as a way for me to organize my feelings, present them in a cool, little blog post, and allow me to think through it all with a clear mind. It's cool how this all works and I'm quite thankful for the opportunity to spew words onto a page, even if they might be crazy. And perhaps it will make you laugh a few times. At least, I hope to God that it will!

So. This Fall semester has been nothing but an emotional roller coaster ride for me. At this time, you might be asking, "Does this even surprise you?" and my answer to that would be, "Heck to the no." Although, I wish it weren't the case. I wish that life could be simpler. I truly long for an easy cruise towards graduation, with no bumps, no insane weather watches, and no crazy backseat drivers that make me feel like driving into the road barrier. Alas, this is life and it is not, and never will be simple. Especially for someone who worries as much as I do, every day is a new battle. I can't even enjoy the present because I am so worked up about what MIGHT happen in the future. It's exhausting. But I'm working on it... so that has to count for something, eh?

Let's hope!

If you have been following my blog closely, you may have noticed that my problems usually have to do with my anxiety and the people that induce it. Whether it be in my friendships, romantic relationships, or with my family... I always have some form of anxiety plaguing me. Although it may not be so severe, it is noticeable. I want to be well-liked but I want to be happy. In my experience, those two things don't always coincide. I want to be caring and compassionate, but sometimes I come off as too intense. Other times, I read into people's reactions way TOO much. And still other times? I go after people (romantically) when I should just leave them as friends.

That being said... these people should stay friends because they are not good for me. Sure, they might be everything that 13 year old me would have wanted. No, just kidding. None of the men I have gone after could ever live up to the expectations set by Mr. Daniel Radcliffe in his young Harry Potter years. ;) But seriously... on paper, these guys seem to have everything going for them. Handsome, a good paying job, a sense of humor and confidence. Yet... if I am going to be honest, most of them were jerks. Some weren't too bad, but obviously not the right one for me. At least, they seemed to think so, so I was left with nothing else to do but move on and accept that maybe they were right.

But perhaps the problem wasn't that they were bad people. Everyone has their flaws, but we also have good things about ourselves that are wonderful! I always can see the good in people, even when they can't see it themselves. Maybe that is why I fall so easily in like with many guys that I meet. I find their good qualities and have so much hope that things could work out. Now at this point, things can go one of two ways. A) I like them and they don't like me. Cue the freaking out and crying and then finally moving on. B) I like them and they like me. Cue the freaking out and crying and making up excuses and moving on. Option B isn't exactly healthy, and both of these situations SUCK. I always end up feeling weird and never satisfied.

Some would suggest that I haven't found the right person yet. I could agree with that statement, but I believe there is a much bigger picture here. Most of the time, this anxiety, no matter how much I would like to pin the blame for it on other people, is due to my own actions and my own thoughts. Paired with the tendency to be a chronic "liker," meaning that I always have a crush on someone, and not exactly falling for someone based on the important things, my life gets a lot more complicated. I have not had a break in my life where I could completely focus on myself, to work on my trust and intimacy issues or strengthen my relationship with God. Thankfully, He has started to heal me and has helped me grow so much, even if I haven't exactly sought Him out. I don't know why or how that happened, but I am beyond grateful.

Though that is all fine and dandy, I cannot keep living life like this. These issues are something that I need to deal with and I shouldn't be with anyone until I can confidently say, "Hey, I like myself, and I like you because you're a good person, and I trust that you will try your best to care for me! I trust not only you, but also myself in this relationship. Let's try it out because I care about you a whole lot and not just because I think you're cute! Though that really helps." In order to achieve this status, I must learn to protect my heart, first off. Secondly, I have to trust people more than just surface level. Third, I just gotta accept this life that I have, love it and be content in it. Realize that I'm doing the best that I can and sometimes I won't be perfect. Life still goes on. And last, but certainly not least, STOP CHASING AFTER PEOPLE. Sure, relationships are full of give and take, but if someone doesn't make the time for you, YOU need to stop giving up everything for them. I do that quite often and it always turns out quite terribly.

I know that this process is going to be difficult, and I know that I won't be able to do it alone. However, no matter what society and culture tells me, I don't need a significant other to make myself happy. In fact, it's unfair to put that much pressure on another person. So I won't... I will be content with what I am doing in my life, appreciate people for who they are but not get so wrapped up in the idea of a relationship that I lose myself, and get super sad over the little things. It's time for a change, so let's get started. :)