UTTERLY EMBARRASSED
Sometimes I make a complete fool out of myself.
....
Alright. Let's be honest here.
That sometimes should be crossed out and replaced with 'Every day'.
I seriously believe that the ability to act appropriately during normal human interactions is a foreign concept to me. Though people don't hate me, I am not exactly easy to deal with. I'm over the top, happy go lucky and just all around insane at times. Making people laugh is my number one goal in life, I've come to notice, so I do just about anything to cause a chuckle. I may be hilarious, (what can I say? When you got it, you got it), however, it can get to be a little too much for others. When they don't understand where I'm coming from, or if they have just met me, I am seen as weird and someone they should stay away from.
And that, my friends, really sucks.
Yet... With what may possibly be my worst habit EVER, I have lost friendships, made life awkward and caused drama that didn't even need to exist. That habit is something I'm not proud of. I just can't keep my mouth shut when I truly admire a person of the opposite sex.
I get extremely giddy when they are around and I start to come up with the scenarios of how perfect life could be if things were to work out. Many a girl does the very same thing, so I shouldn't feel bad. But once mixed with my silly attitude and my worry-wart tendencies, you have a recipe for disaster. I become clingy, too talkative about the situation, and freak people the heck out. And if you have experienced this awkwardness, I am genuinely sorry. I never wanted to make you feel uncomfortable. It's just a bad habit that I just can't seem to break.... Haha.
But on a more serious note... I really wish I could just stop being this way. It not only causes the person I admire a bit of discomfort, but it causes me a lot of pain when it doesn't work out the way I had planned. I then start to examine myself, and nitpick at everything that I may think is wrong. At this time, I tend to forget that life goes on, that it's a lesson to be learned, and that not everyone is going to like me like that. I'll admit... It's going to take a very special person to handle me. But, when that day comes (if it is meant to be!) then, it will be glorious.
God made me this way for a reason, I feel, and it's gonna be tough to go through this time and time again. But He has me in the palm of His hand. I just wish I would stop forgetting that. I truly need to stop focusing on such petty things and put my eyes on the prize. What would Jesus do? How can I glorify God in ALL of my actions? Those are the things I should be worried about, instead of something so childish as wondering if a guy likes me or not. It doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things!
