A New Perspective

A NEW PERSPECTIVE

So, I'm feeling quite on a roll with this blog right now. I probably am having more inspiration than usual to write because I would rather procrastinate right now, than do all of the important things that I should be doing. Oh well!

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Usually this isn't very healthy for me because, as you may have read in previous posts, I'm a bit of a worry wart. Anxiety is just a huge part of my life, whether I approve of it or not. And just so it's clear... I really don't like it. That being said, I should be perfectly honest in saying that this anxiety is not always just about the future, or worrying about things that I've done and how they will affect me (or are affecting me at this very minute), but I tend to have anxiety about myself and the relationships I have with others. My thoughts will be along the lines of, "Does this person approve of me?", "Was that weird to say?", "Am I pretty enough?", "Am I talented enough?". All of these thoughts are completely normal for a human being to have, I would presume. However, if I'm having a really bad day, I have been known to become really hateful towards myself because I think that I should be better.

It's not a fun time, let me tell you.

However, in the past few weeks, though I've been through some pretty interesting stuff and have felt emotional at times, I think I've made some strides in how I view myself. Instead of being highly negative and thinking that everything is my fault, I've been accepting life and moving on. FREAKY, right?? I know that this might not seem like a hard task for most of you, but for me, it's kind of liberating. After being stuck in a depression during my sophomore year where I had absolutely no motivation to do anything, and then having to deal with the habits formed during that time throughout the past year and a half, it's been a tough road. I would have to say though, thank goodness for great roommates, traveling overseas by myself, and other wonderful opportunities.  All of those awesome things made life a lot easier to love.

 Although you may not share the same beliefs, I know that the change had a lot to do with my faith. Knowing that there is a God who knew me before I was born, who created me exactly the way that I am, and who loves me as much as his one and only son, Jesus Christ, blows my freakin' mind. Unconditional love is really tough to comprehend, so it's been a bit of a battle, but as He has changed my heart little by little over the past two years, I have become a much better person and more Christ-like. Yes, I am NOT perfect by any means, and there are moments in my life where God would probably be shaking His head if He wasn't so gracious. I am still human. But I am learning. And I am accepting the things around me that I cannot control more often than not. I worry less, although I still worry a lot, and the depression that I once knew is not a scary, all consuming storm any longer.

Due to this change of heart, I have realized that I deserve a lot better in the relationships that I have with people. While I have some of the most amazing friends around... there are many toxic relationships still apparent in my life. Though they may not exactly be terrible people and I still love them, I have a lot of friends whom I give up a lot of time for, and they don't return the favor. I constantly feel as if I am the only person trying to plan things, the only one who makes sacrifices. For a person who cares a lot about others, this truly upsets me. My anxiety does kick in after a while and I'm forced to wonder, "Does this person even care?" If I were to leave without any notice, would they say anything?

These types of people that are so preoccupied with themselves used to make me wonder if I was even good enough to be friends with. I would wonder why I didn't mean as much to them as they mean to me? Yet now I realize that even if I may not matter to them that much, or at all, that doesn't make me any less of a person. It doesn't make me weird, "too much", or not good enough. I am good enough and I have a big heart. I go out of my way to make others happy, and I deserve to have friends who are willing to share in keeping care of a relationship. Not someone who just reaps all the benefits of having me there. There is nothing wrong with me if I care too much... Of course, when it gets creepy, then maybe we have a problem. And perhaps I have gotten creepy? I wouldn't know!! If I have, I would like to know friends, so keep me updated :P

Anyway... I suppose the point of this post is to just let everyone know that I'm done with putting myself down on a regular basis. I'm tired of questioning myself, and other people's motives. I just want to be friends with people who actually care and will put in an effort to spend time with me and make me feel special, because I would do the same for them. I am no longer going to be sad over the little things that don't matter. I'm also not putting up with anyone's crap any longer. It's exhausting. So.... rant over and I'm going to sleep now.

Let's Get it Started

It's been quite awhile since I have come up with a blog post. I love to write, but I never seem to have enough time for it. I never seem to have enough time for anything, if you want me to be truthful. Yet, today has sparked enough motivation in me to write something new. Well, it won't be exactly "new" since it deals with the very same topic that I seem to write about over and over again, especially here. My anxiety. People. Relationships in my life that don't seem to work out the way that I had planned. Feeling inadequate. Realizing (or trying to realize) that those feelings are absurd. You know... the usual.

Though I have no idea who will read this post, I do know that it will serve as a way for me to organize my feelings, present them in a cool, little blog post, and allow me to think through it all with a clear mind. It's cool how this all works and I'm quite thankful for the opportunity to spew words onto a page, even if they might be crazy. And perhaps it will make you laugh a few times. At least, I hope to God that it will!

So. This Fall semester has been nothing but an emotional roller coaster ride for me. At this time, you might be asking, "Does this even surprise you?" and my answer to that would be, "Heck to the no." Although, I wish it weren't the case. I wish that life could be simpler. I truly long for an easy cruise towards graduation, with no bumps, no insane weather watches, and no crazy backseat drivers that make me feel like driving into the road barrier. Alas, this is life and it is not, and never will be simple. Especially for someone who worries as much as I do, every day is a new battle. I can't even enjoy the present because I am so worked up about what MIGHT happen in the future. It's exhausting. But I'm working on it... so that has to count for something, eh?

Let's hope!

If you have been following my blog closely, you may have noticed that my problems usually have to do with my anxiety and the people that induce it. Whether it be in my friendships, romantic relationships, or with my family... I always have some form of anxiety plaguing me. Although it may not be so severe, it is noticeable. I want to be well-liked but I want to be happy. In my experience, those two things don't always coincide. I want to be caring and compassionate, but sometimes I come off as too intense. Other times, I read into people's reactions way TOO much. And still other times? I go after people (romantically) when I should just leave them as friends.

That being said... these people should stay friends because they are not good for me. Sure, they might be everything that 13 year old me would have wanted. No, just kidding. None of the men I have gone after could ever live up to the expectations set by Mr. Daniel Radcliffe in his young Harry Potter years. ;) But seriously... on paper, these guys seem to have everything going for them. Handsome, a good paying job, a sense of humor and confidence. Yet... if I am going to be honest, most of them were jerks. Some weren't too bad, but obviously not the right one for me. At least, they seemed to think so, so I was left with nothing else to do but move on and accept that maybe they were right.

But perhaps the problem wasn't that they were bad people. Everyone has their flaws, but we also have good things about ourselves that are wonderful! I always can see the good in people, even when they can't see it themselves. Maybe that is why I fall so easily in like with many guys that I meet. I find their good qualities and have so much hope that things could work out. Now at this point, things can go one of two ways. A) I like them and they don't like me. Cue the freaking out and crying and then finally moving on. B) I like them and they like me. Cue the freaking out and crying and making up excuses and moving on. Option B isn't exactly healthy, and both of these situations SUCK. I always end up feeling weird and never satisfied.

Some would suggest that I haven't found the right person yet. I could agree with that statement, but I believe there is a much bigger picture here. Most of the time, this anxiety, no matter how much I would like to pin the blame for it on other people, is due to my own actions and my own thoughts. Paired with the tendency to be a chronic "liker," meaning that I always have a crush on someone, and not exactly falling for someone based on the important things, my life gets a lot more complicated. I have not had a break in my life where I could completely focus on myself, to work on my trust and intimacy issues or strengthen my relationship with God. Thankfully, He has started to heal me and has helped me grow so much, even if I haven't exactly sought Him out. I don't know why or how that happened, but I am beyond grateful.

Though that is all fine and dandy, I cannot keep living life like this. These issues are something that I need to deal with and I shouldn't be with anyone until I can confidently say, "Hey, I like myself, and I like you because you're a good person, and I trust that you will try your best to care for me! I trust not only you, but also myself in this relationship. Let's try it out because I care about you a whole lot and not just because I think you're cute! Though that really helps." In order to achieve this status, I must learn to protect my heart, first off. Secondly, I have to trust people more than just surface level. Third, I just gotta accept this life that I have, love it and be content in it. Realize that I'm doing the best that I can and sometimes I won't be perfect. Life still goes on. And last, but certainly not least, STOP CHASING AFTER PEOPLE. Sure, relationships are full of give and take, but if someone doesn't make the time for you, YOU need to stop giving up everything for them. I do that quite often and it always turns out quite terribly.

I know that this process is going to be difficult, and I know that I won't be able to do it alone. However, no matter what society and culture tells me, I don't need a significant other to make myself happy. In fact, it's unfair to put that much pressure on another person. So I won't... I will be content with what I am doing in my life, appreciate people for who they are but not get so wrapped up in the idea of a relationship that I lose myself, and get super sad over the little things. It's time for a change, so let's get started. :)

Hurt

(This was written some time ago, however I felt as if I should post what I have here).



Have you ever been hurt?

Well, seeing that you are human (at least, I sincerely hope you are if you are reading my blog), it is extremely likely that you've been through some tough times. Whether it has been an experience with a death in the family, or being a part of a relationship that has fallen apart, or countless other situations that really suck, we have all seen a side of life that isn't all peachy keen jelly bean. And to be completely honest, bad things seem to happen all at once and in two's and three's.

Although I am sincerely grateful for my life and all the good things that come with it (like having a roof over my head, food in my belly and great friends/family),  I cannot help but be depressed about certain things that have happened in my life. Perhaps I'm too dependent on people when it comes to finding happiness? Or maybe my expectations of these people are too high? OR! Maybe I'm not being thankful enough? I have no idea. Whatever the case, I am severely disappointed in the way things have been turning out for me.

I feel trapped in Reno. I feel like I'm not going to amount to anything. I feel like people don't truly like me. I feel like I'm too much. I feel, I feel, I feel.....


God, I hate feelings.


At times, I just wish that I was a robot who has no capabilities to feel. However, when I really think about that wish, I realize just how silly that would be.

Flow

WHAT IS GOING WITH THE FLOW?

And how on Earth do I do it?

Okay.

It's not like you've heard about the issues I have with being normal so many times that you've begun to lose count. As we all know, that's a topic I have no interest in dwelling on.

Ha.

If only that were the truth. Then, perhaps, this blog would have a lot more followers.

Oh well.

Another day in the life of Nicole means another day full of uttering weird things that probably make zero sense in the minds of others. I must admit though, I keep even myself on tip toes with all of the silly things that come out of my mouth. However, to be quite honest, I don't believe that's a good thing.

Typically I am around my friends, so the words I say can easily be brushed aside, if too weird, or out of context. Yet lately, I have been spending time with people who make me nervous. The nervous feelings, in turn, cause me to say those odd things more frequently. And people who make me nervous are those with whom I do not spend much time, because well... they make me nervous. Isn't it obvious? These nerve-inducing folks can be anyone from someone I admire to a teacher that scares the pants off of me. I will not tell you which group of people I am dealing with, in case that person is reading. I don't want life to be even more awkward that it already is.

Which I'm pretty sure I've already failed at due to the fact that I included the sentence above.

Ugh.

Anyway, moving on! How in the world do I stop saying weird things? It's not that I don't want to be myself... I really, truly love myself and my quirks, but what I am dealing with isn't just me being silly. It's practically word vomit that cannot be stopped because my brain is not controlling it. In fact, I don't know what is controlling it. Perhaps someone is trying to sabotage my life, and therefore finds a way to put words into my mouth that I do not there. Yes, that makes perfect sense! I'm sure there is some kind of technology available that would allow it to be possible.

Or maybe I'm sabotaging myself? It seems to happen on a frequent basis, and the only variable that stays the same in these relationship equations happens to be me. Maybe subconsciously, I don't want to these people to respect me. Perhaps, deep down, I am so scared of them that I want them as far away from me as possible because I don't want to deal with the fact that they are challenging me to grow.

Nahhhh.... that's definitely not it! :P

Why is life so complicated and yet not complicated at the same time? Human emotions make everything ten times worse! If I could just not feel and become a success-seeking, awesome robot, then I'd be okay. I'm tired of this emotional roller coaster ride!

RANT OVER.

Reasons Why

REASONS WHY 

HOCUS POCUS IS THE 

SCARIEST (BUT STILL THE BEST) 
HALLOWEEN MOVIE  

EVER 

1. These witches aren't the type of magic-wielders that we are used to in this generation. Instead of the soft-spoken, pre Order of the Phoenix Harry Potter that we all know and love, these witches are sour, rude, and to be honest, a big dose of PURE EVIL. I mean, anyone who wants to kill/harm children just to become young again has a bit of a problem. To me, they are even worse than Lord Voldemort. Now he wanted power, so it's no surprise that he started killing people and tried to instill fear in individuals. That is the usual path villains take in order to fulfill their dreams of ruling the world. These gals weren't longing for power and money... They wanted to be beautiful and live forever. And how must they fulfill that wish?

 2. They use song and dance to lure you in... Then they GET YA! To me, this is the cruelest form of deception that I have ever come across. The one thing that I, and many others, love with all their hearts and Winnifred, Sarah and Mary have defiled it! These crazy witches use soothing melodies to lull you into a false sense of security, only then to suck out your life source after making you drink a disgusting (I presume) potion full of toes from a dead man. Perhaps if they weren't so hip and couldn't carry a tune, then this wouldn't be a problem? However, when you've got the vocals of Bette Midler on your side, you know you've got the power to win. 

 3. Now onto the less scary things and onto what makes this Hocus Pocus the best Halloween movie ever made. I've got one word for you that doesn't need much explanation (although I'll give it to you anyway). DANI! The annoying little sister who proves to be absolutely hilarious, adorable and who has a level of sass equivalent to that of an independent black woman who doesn't need no man. She embarrasses Max on many different occasions but to be honest, instead of being thought of as a brat, she should be awarded many cookies. I think that she has every right to make him look like a fool.

Seriously, here she is, eight years old and is totally uprooted from the life that she used to know, to move to Salem. While Max is in the same situation, he doesn't handle it quite as well as Dani does. Sure, we don't know what exactly Max left back home (a lovely lady? his best friend Chuck? his championship chess team that had finally named him captain?) and we can't exactly speculate. However, I just believe that he is just a silly pessimist who needs to learn to appreciate life a little more.

Dani keeps his self-pitying from turning into a bigger problem than it already is. Plus, she's very quick on her feet. Especially when dealing with the paranormal. Love her!

 

 

(I just couldn't help myself! She's too good!)

 4. The black cat is actually a human that was turned into an animal. And he's not bad luck. In fact, he's extremely good luck and makes sure that the witches are sent back to the bottomless black pit where they belong. Zachary Binx is quite possibly the best character in this whole movie, aside from Winnifred Sanderson. I mean, his dashing good looks (whilst human) paired with an incredibly sarcastic sense of humor equals perfection. And although he was turned into the cat and couldn't save his little sister, I believe that he handled those witches quite well. I mean, in the end, the Sanderson sisters were defeated. If you don't call that a success then I hope that you will take it upon yourself and light the black candle. I would love to see how you handle three crazy, but beautiful, witches who snack on children's souls. 

5. You know how I mentioned earlier that Dani had sass? Well... a lot of the characters in this movie have just as much sass, if not more.  (It really is just a sassy movie. Perhaps this happened because it was directed by Kenny Ortega. Who knows?)

The Zombies have sass:

The Sanderson Sisters have sass: (But mostly Winnifred)

 

Thackery Binx has SO much sass: (but unfortunately I couldn't find any GIF's to support that claim. So please enjoy one with Salem from Sabrina the Teenaged Witch, who looks the same and deals with witches all the time, just like Thackery.)

6. One thing that should be frightening us even more than the sisters' need for the souls of children, is the fact that Winnifred, Mary and Sarah's hair is always absolutely perfect. I do not understand the styles which they have chosen, however, I have a lot of respect for them. Though they go through quite a journey during that Halloween night, not a single hair falls out of place. They get into screaming matches, cross a black river that turns out to be a road, get showered by the burning rain of death, try to harm Max, Thackery, Alison and Dani multiple times, end up on the city's transportation system with a very creepy guy, fly around on vacuums, and much, much more! It's a wonder how they can keep everything so in tact. Perhaps black magic isn't the only thing that Book holds. 

 7. While we are on the topic of spell books... I would just like to note that I have never EVER seen a book as creepy as Winnifred's. Seriously! Made out of human skin and contains the most evil spells in the existence of spells. Just saying that aloud gives me the chills. Not to mention that it glows when you open it, so that you could never hide from those sisters, especially if you think it's a good idea to fight black magic with black magic. IDIOTS. Anyway, am I the only one who thinks it was odd for them to display her book in the museum? I'm not sure if the people of Salem really believed in it  or not, but if they did, don't you think they would want to burn that book? Or bury it six feet under? Whoever said to not judge a book by it's cover obviously never saw this one.

There are so many reasons as to why Hocus Pocus is the BEST Halloween movie out there, however, I wouldn't have the time to mention them all. You would be reading for days, if not weeks. I hope that you enjoyed this blog post and that you stay tuned for more!

A Hundred Different Directions

I should really update this blog more than I do. However, it's been quite hectic in my life, as of late, and although I may have some free time, I'm not exactly good at managing that time. In fact, I should be studying, or reading, or doing something that would boost my GPA instead of demolishing it, right now.

But alas, I am here, trying to think of something interesting to write about. You would think that because I am busy, it would mean my life is full of cool stories to tell all of you lovely people about. Unfortunately, it is not. Most of the time, it's one big, never ending circle in which I procrastinate, fall behind and then hurry to catch up again. Most of the time I do not, and I realize that I'm not really doing things well in my life. I have so many opportunities, yet tend to fly by the seat of my pants and hoping for the best. I've fallen into bad habits and I'm not trying as hard as I should be.

I'm constantly exhausted and I'm throwing myself in a hundred different directions. How in the world am I supposed to do things well? I'm doing too many things, if you ask me. Perhaps if I were to cut down on the amount of activities I am participating in, then would I no longer be a flake who isn't doing much of anything that is special? Maybe then I could come to appreciate and learn the music I am currently studying. Perhaps then I could be the best VPM that Sigma Alpha Iota has ever seen?

Right now I feel behind in life. I'm studying something I used to love, I don't really have a passion for it anymore, and yet I have no idea what I would be doing besides music. I still love it, but now I'm more discouraged than inspired by it. I don't believe that is how it is supposed to be. I'm tired of feeling this way, but I have no idea how to shake it. This certainly feels like a quarter-life crisis and I'm not too fond of it.

Is there any way to break free from these habits? Is there any way to stop writing about the same thing over and over again, and finally give you poor folks something new to read about? Because seriously, this is the only topic that I can seem to write about...

Maybe one day you'll get a post that is actually interesting and new! For now, I must stick to what I know.

Embarrassed.

UTTERLY EMBARRASSED

 

Sometimes I make a complete fool out of myself.

....

Alright. Let's be honest here. 

That sometimes should be crossed out and replaced with 'Every day'. 

I seriously believe that the ability to act appropriately during normal human interactions is a foreign concept to me. Though people don't hate me, I am not exactly easy to deal with. I'm over the top, happy go lucky and just all around insane at times. Making people laugh is my number one goal in life, I've come to notice, so I do just about anything to cause a chuckle. I may be hilarious, (what can I say? When you got it, you got it), however, it can get to be a little too much for others. When they don't understand where I'm coming from, or if they have just met me, I am seen as weird and someone they should stay away from.

And that, my friends, really sucks.

Yet... With what may possibly be my worst habit EVER, I have lost friendships, made life awkward and caused drama that didn't even need to exist. That habit is something I'm not proud of. I just can't keep my mouth shut when I truly admire a person of the opposite sex. 

I get extremely giddy when they are around and I start to come up with the scenarios of how perfect life could be if things were to work out. Many a girl does the very same thing, so I shouldn't feel bad. But once mixed with my silly attitude and my worry-wart tendencies, you have a recipe for disaster. I become clingy, too talkative about the situation, and freak people the heck out. And if you have experienced this awkwardness, I am genuinely sorry. I never wanted to make you feel uncomfortable. It's just a bad habit that I just can't seem to break.... Haha.

But on a more serious note... I really wish I could just stop being this way. It not only causes the person I admire a bit of discomfort, but it causes me a lot of pain when it doesn't work out the way I had planned. I then start to examine myself, and nitpick at everything that I may think is wrong. At this time, I tend to forget that life goes on, that it's a lesson to be learned, and that not everyone is going to like me like that. I'll admit... It's going to take a very special person to handle me. But, when that day comes (if it is meant to be!) then, it will be glorious. 

God made me this way for a reason, I feel, and it's gonna be tough to go through this time and time again. But He has me in the palm of His hand. I just wish I would stop forgetting that. I truly need to stop focusing on such petty things and put my eyes on the prize. What would Jesus do? How can I glorify God in ALL of my actions? Those are the things I should be worried about, instead of something so childish as wondering if a guy likes me or not. It doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things!